I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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