Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
