You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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