you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
