We're like a lot better than the average bears
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
