when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
