Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
