I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I can't put those talents on a resume
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
