he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
