Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
