You're my little dorito
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
