so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
