party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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