I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
