Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
