my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
and you said cock pushups were impossible
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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