you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
no more duck duck goose at the bar
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
