It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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