I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
