I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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