i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize