i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize