my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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