I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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