Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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