Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
