you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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