thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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