He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
