tell your sister to shave her snatch
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
