I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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