First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
