All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
