Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
