Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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