M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
