Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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