my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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