Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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