Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Someone shit on the floor
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
