I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
