never play flip cup with pint glasses
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
