OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
