Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
