if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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