saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
