i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize