I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Randomize
