It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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