Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
