On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
