sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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