No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize