I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
