She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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