It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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