We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
