don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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