I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
