Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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