Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize